Security Items

    Hello, one and all, welcome to our first interview. We're here to discuss and interesting topic today, security items. This is the strange belief that many people have, often started at childhood, that a certain object, usually benign and of no real significance, can somehow protect them from the evils of the world. Said item is required to make them feel normal. Today I'm here with child prodigy, graduate from Yale and renowned psychological expert Richie... what is your last name?  

    Richie.

    What? Okay, how about a middle name?

    Richie.

    Any other identifier?

    I have five names.

    And let me guess... they're all Richie. 

    No, my fourth is Chrysanthemum.

    Wait... isn't that a flower?

    Yes, indeed. In fact one guy even took to calling me "flower boy" once.

    Really? 

    Yea, I wouldn't recommend it though. Not after what happened to him

    What happened?

    Well... he died.

    Oh... Self explanatory... Well, that's not really what we're here to discuss. First I'd like to discuss your credentials. What was your Yale experience like?

    Interesting.

    So I guessed already. Do you have any specifics?

     I remember all the classmates looked at me weird, pre-teens usually don't attend Yale. In any case, they really started to look at me weird after my first encounter with this particular issue of security items. 

    You actually met someone with such an obsession? Did you conduct a study on him? What was your impression? What do you think of people who have security items?

    Idiots.

    Come now, you must have more to say than that, what was the result of your study?

    Study? I didn't do a study, I just observed reality, the guy was a complete buffoon. 

    How so?

    Well this story started when my dad was taking me on a vacation.

    Wait, you have a dad?

    Had.

    I'm just accepting that this time.

    Anyway we had to stop for gas. The attendant apparently had a security blanket, like that sissy from the Peanuts cartoons. 

    Hey, Linus was not a sissy... Why are you looking at me like that?

    Think about it.

    Okay, yes he was. 

    Moving on, the guy had to hold his blanket with his right hand for some reason. He couldn't put it down even for an instant. Instead he just started to attempt to hook up the gas nozzle with his left hand. I'm guessing that was not his dominant because he began spilling gasoline everywhere.

   Good lord, the guy was an idiot!

   You doubt a graduate of Yale? Anyway, that's the end of the story. You know how it goes with gas stations and fire and stuff.

   What fire?

   Well if you light a match over a puddle of gas it tends to start a fire.

   He lit a match over the gas! Holy crap! That sounds like suicide....

   Who said HE threw the match?

   What...?

   The guy had to go. I was doing society a favor.

   But, wouldn't that blow up the whole gas station? What about your dad?

   Didn't I mention he was no longer with us?

   But you killed your dad!

   Just another casualty in the war on stupidity.

   Okay... I think that should be all for now... Richie... um... why are you looking at me like that?

   Did you ever do anything stupid?

   I'm gone!