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Back to Teenage Pacifist Psychopath
Theme song! “teenage pacifist Psychopath, teenage pacifist Psychopath, teenage pacifist… Psychopath” “Wait a sec here… a theme song won’t make any sense…” “teenage pacifist Psychopath, teenage pacifist Psychopath, teenage pacifist… Psychopath” “It’s a freaking book… dahh never mind!” “Psychopath! Welcome to a world, that really makes no sense, here’s the story of a boy, don’t ask him what’s wrong with him or he’ll chew your head off-more like stab you to death- teenage pacifist Psychopath, teenage pacifist Psychopath, teenage pacifist… Psychopath. One day he committed suicide and was thrown….eerrrrrp!”
“Hu hu hu, do not reveal the story, or you shall meet my friend, Squirrelly”
O….k… Well, my name, is Chris. My life has been a well… interesting one… different… um, yea… Hey, where’s the indent? First, lets be honest, nothing in my life has ever been normal. When I was five, my invisible friend wasn’t exactly well… invisible. He was a blue kangaroo. Well, just take this example.
James walked through his small neighborhood. It was a sunny… Hey I thought I was the narrator. Can it Chris. Like I was saying, it was a sunny day. But just who are you? I’m the freaking narrator, now clam up and let me tell the story! But I was doing that. I thought it was appropriate for this scene to be in third person. But you can’t just alternate between third and first person like that its just not… wait, this is all going into the narration! Ak! Chris, if you don’t stop I’ll use my narrator powers to turn you into a pink frog. What? And Chris became a pink frog. Hu… ribit. Starting over.
James walked through his small nayborhud. It was a sunny day and the sun… no, no good. The sky was blue and the sun blazed, making James sweat and shield his eyes. He felt a slight vibration on the sidewalk through his bare feet and looked up, What’s causing that? he wondered. He looked up to see what looked like a large blue kangaru bounding towards him. uh… “Hi” he said when it came up. “Um… what are you?” “You been messing with my main man Chris?” James would have responded with “huh”, but was too busy thinking, It talks? “Answer me????” oops, “Answer me!!!!” “Um…” but the Kangaru flipped around and landed a hevy blast on the child with his foot, firing him at a near by car, causing all of the windows to shatter. Needless to say, the kid was now dead. A blond child walked up to the blue rodent, “Hey Jack…” “Hang on a sec,” said the Kangaru. “I’m not a rodent.” What? “I’m a marsupial… hay you spelled that right. Not bad, back to the story.” My line! “Back to the story.” Wait, not suppose to quote myself am I? Anyway, the kangaroo looked at the child, “What’s up Chris?” “Who’s that?” asked Chris. The Kangaru shruged, “hidonno.” “So why’d you kill him?” asked Chris. “Nothing better to do… so what you doing?” Back to you Chris.
Ribit. Ribit. Oops, right. And Chris became human again. Would you please learn to spell? Wat? Ah, never mind. He and I had some interesting adventures. Pink Frog! Ribit.
My q! Chris and the blue… marsupial, walked into a small dinner. At the front counter behind a small register a golden hair young lady walked up, “Welcome to generic restaurant! May I take your order.” “Hang on a sec,” asked Jack, “What’s with the name, why not ______’s or ____’s or ______… hey cut that out.” Sorry man, just don’t wanna get sued. “But can’t I at least say _________, I mean, they’re mentioned everywhere… hmm… ah! The founder is ______… what the!?? Knock it off!” Don’t mess with me man, I’m the narrator, I have more power than you could possibly imagine. “Who are you talking to?” she asked. “Oh, and now I’m the only one who can hear you, so lame, I mean…” No one is supposed to be talking to me, its just wrong, now knock it off! “Fine.” “May I take your order?” she asked Chris. “You messing with my main man Chris!?” shouted the Kangaru. “Um…” BOOM! The blue creature high kicked the girl into the fry vats. “Would you just let me order some food?” asked Chris, as another girl came up to the counter. “May I take your order?” “Yes, I’d like a burger and fries.” The girl looked back at her friend in the fry vats. “We’re out of fries.” “You give Chris what he wants!” shouted blue boy. “I don’t think he wants those…” said the girl. “Point.” The two waited at a table for their food. Finally a heavy set woman came up to the table and set a burger in front of Chris. The kangaru quickly grabbed the burger and swallowed it whole. “Hey… why won’t you let me even eat!” “Oh, I was planning on regurgitating it for you like a momma bird…” “Oh no, that’s okay, I think I’ll pass,” said Chris, holding up his hands. “Suit yourself. I’m gonna go… play.” The rodent walked away. “Hey!” What are you gonna do about it? The blue thing walked back up to the counter. “May I take your order?” asked the girl. BOOM! He punched her back into the burger flipping station. Another girl quickly ran up. “May I take your…” BOOM! He jumped kicked her into the drive through. A young man walked up, “Can I…” WHAM! The rue hit him with both feet, sending me through a wall in the back. Chris walked out the door shouting, “Hey, c’mon bud, we gotta go.” “Hang on a sec, I’m gonna go for a high score.”
Ribit. Human! Uhhh yea… but later on I lost my friend to fleas… apparently hooked on weed.
Under a magnifying glass one could see a group of fleas on the rue’s back. “We all live on a blue Kangaru, a blue Kangaru. We all live on a…” “AHHHH!” shouted Jack. “Fleas on Crack!” He ran circles around Chris and then zipped right into the garage door. WHAM!! He fell over. “are you okay,” asked Chris, bewildered, looking down into his friend’s face. “Oh sure I’m fine,” said the creature. “No seriously.” “Yea, I’m gone. Bye.”
Well, after experiencing the pain of losing my friend… Was he really your friend? What do you mean? Well c’mon man, doesn’t look to me like well… never mind. Anyway, after seeing him die, I decided I wished to never cause anyone the pain of seeing a loved one die. I decided to live a life devoted to non-violence. That’s why? Yea. It’s just well… I figured there’d be more to it than that. But anyway, now we come to the fun part. I suppose you mean my problem? Did you ever get a physiologist to analyze that or something? Yea, I tried that… psychologist, by the way… but well um… it didn’t go so well.
Chris sat in the corner on a small bed. Hang on a sec here. I mean, if you don’t know about this visit, how can you tell the story? Chris, stop doing this! But… The joke’s getting old. PINK FROG!!! You know you don’t have to go all caps on me… ribit. STARTING OVER!
CHRIS oops! Chris sat in the corner on a small bed. He huddled himself into a small ball and listened patiently for the man to speak. The psychologist in the other corner of the room looked at him with what seemed a passing interest. “So Chris, what seems to be the problem?” “I see dead people.” Rip off! Hush Richie, I’m narrating. The doctor raised an eyebrow. “And when do you see these ‘dead people’?” “After I kill them.” The doctor got up from his chair and began backing up to the door. “And why do you kill them?” “They ask me what’s wrong with me.” “And what is wrong with you?” Chris looked up at the doc with a large Chester cat grin.
Human! I think they can all guess the ending there. Well, in my search for a cure, I’ve had many adventures. Yep, me and my best pal Richie. Yea, a lot of um. Hey all, I’m Richie. Guys, we really can’t keep doing this. Why not? Because, who said that? Um… Good point. We’ll just do the said thing. Said Richie. What? Asked the narrator. I’m learning to just accept this part. Said Psycho boy. Hey c’mon man, you can do better than that. Said what’s his name. Grrr! Remember when we defeated the asteroid? Asked Richie. How do you defeat an inanimate object? Said Over-Analysis Chris. Besides we didn’t exactly defeat it. Said… they know who said it, it’s the same paragraph. Oh yea, what if I do this and keep going in your paragraph? Then how do they know who’s talking? What are you guys doing? Good question. I think we’re playing with the head of the reader. Yep, there he goes, he’s going nuts. Really wants to know who’s talking. Oop, ripped out a clump of hair. I mean now, we could go ahead and do the new paragraph thingie, and it wouldn’t help. Sure Could. What was That? I think we’d better get to the asteroid story Before you guys go Twooooooooooooooooooooooooo fa… alight that does it! PINK FROGS! You’re so unoriginal Ribit, ribit.
Chris and, ribit… daaa1 Rich…. Ribit. Ya know… ribit HUMAN! Ribit. You’re human… I just like saying ribit. You two are driving me crazy! Not a long trip eh? Who said that? Good question. Knock it off or I’ll… Who said that? Daaaa! Stop it, all of you! Who said that? Oh cut it out. I am the author. No I am the author. No, I am the author. Chris, Richie, you will both either settle down, or you will no longer be allowed to speak to the narrator so directly. WEEEEEEEEEE! Good bye you two! Wait, what’d I do?” Heaven only knows.
Okay, Mr. Narrator here. The asteroid story really won’t make any sense here… like any of this is making sense… unless we tell some other stories first. First, here is the story of our villain.
Tate’s car raced down the highway. The lights on his car highlighted the bare rode ahead, and one would not have guessed this was not, in fact, an abandoned rode. Red green and pink lights flashed behind him as the British police car zipped after him. “Dang… *&%%(*&%(&^###.” “Pull over, or we’ll open fire!” Tate’s car pulled over to the side of the rode and two cops let their guns out both sides of the vehicle. They opened fire. “You said OR!” shouted Tate. “Oh… right, stop buddy.” They stopped firing. “Get out of the ******* car!” “What?” “Get out of the $$$$$ car!” “No, you said ******* not $$$$$… dollar signs don’t even %%%%% make sense.” “What the @@@@@@? Arg! I’m JJJJJ??!! getting out of the car.” “What in the world did you say?” “I have no ?»d}?☻☻☻☻♥♦ idea.” “Well… just stop cussing.” “Have we actually cussed once this whole time?” “Um…” the officer walked over to the vehicle. “I’ll need to see you’re license and registration… hey! Next paragraph!” oh, sorry… “I’ll need to see you’re license and registration.” The man gave the officer his wallet from his dashboard. The officer turned on his light and shined it on the wallet opening it up. “Um… sweillim atet.” Tate reached over and turned his wallet over for the man. “Ah! Its one of those upside down I.Ds! Tate Williams! Mr. Tate Williams, are you aware that you were speeding?” “Speeding!!! You pull me over, and start cussing and shooting cause I was speeding?” “Yep, a full 5 mph!” “Why did you abbreviate that?… Anyway, what the ^.^.^.^>>>> are you doing… oh could you be the least bit methodical about your censors! Eroinvaeof;ewoairtohgwaeo you! What? Oh now I know your just trying to
me off…. What the
???” Oh, would you two just get back to the story? The joke’s getting old. “Actually I think you sufficiently killed it.” “Alright buddy,” began the police officer, “Are you aware you were going seventy five in a twenty five mile an hour zone?” “Actually I thought this was a seventy mile per hour zone.” “Oh… right, it is… ahhh, ya know, for putting you through all this trouble, especially the shooting thing… I think I’ll let you off this time.” “Why thank you. You know I really should be going, but you have a nice day.” The cop waved his hands to signal something. “What?” “You’re suppose to kill me.” “What? Why? You seem so nice.” “Didn’t you read the script?” The officer took out a piece of paper and showed it to him. “Whoa… everything we’re saying is on this paper! Creepy” “Well, you read ahead a bit and it says you’re suppose to kill a cop.” Tate flipped over the page, “It does.” Tate put the paper on the car seat beside him. “This could be useful, I can know the future!” “But the question is then, can you do anything about it?” “mmm… no, not really, I’m not the author after all. Any way, if I’m going to kill you, I might as well do something nice… ya know, to pay you back for letting me off the hook. Last meal?” “Oh sure. You like KFC?” “Kentucky Fried Chicken? Hang on a sec, why is the writer letting us say that name all of a sudden? Oh… I see, he put a link to their site in the text. LAME!!!!… Oh that was nice.” The man shook his head. “What are you up to anyway, going so fast and all?” “Give me a break, I was only going 5 miles over.” “Yea but… well I pulled you over, so something must be going on.” “What?” “Oh c’mon, in the world of books, when does a cop ever pull someone over and something’s not going on? No matter how innocent it looks.” “Good point. Well if you must know, I’m going to blow up the sun.” “Won’t that have some nasty side effects?” “Oh I’m sure, but it’s a mother’s day present.” “Oh, that explains things.” No it doesn’t! “You don’t have a mother do you?” “Where do little narrators come from anyway?” It’s complicated. “Did you just give yourself your own paragraph?” Yep. “Weird.” Who said that? “Hidonno.” Oh dear, not again, how do I get myself into these things? “I’ll help, I’m the bad guy,” said the cop. “NO! Tate!” Oh, right, Tate, sorry. “Hang on a… I’m still talking!” oops. Well, might as well go on now. “Fine.” Tate looked at the cop. “ya know, I’m starting to like you… do I really have to kill you?” “Well, there could be a way out of it.” “Really, what?” “Well the purpose here is to make folks take you seriously. Ya know, you take down an armed police officer and all.” “Ya know, after all they just read, I could probably kill a hundred cops and the folks still wouldn’t take me seriously.” “Be that as it may, the script says you have to kill a cop.” “Fine.” Tate fingered a gun in his belt. “Hang on a sec, it said “a” cop.” “What’s your point?” “Well… my partner’s in the car.”
Hey, hang on a sec, things were just getting good. This is Richie, and I will not allow you to stop this comic now. Your dumb wolf series always gets at least 20 pages. You can’t just…
THE END
No it’s not! THE END NO! YES! I MEAN, END! B…
THE END!!!!
No it isn’t! Wait a minute… what just happened? What are we doing on page…
… you’re enjoying this aren’t you? You said 20 pages, okay 3… 2… 1… blast off!
Tada, only three pages to go… ah, might as well return to the story.
Chris and Richie sat across from each other in the small corner seats of the large sixties style restaurant. Richie bounced a few times on the cushioned seat, smiling, and then patted it a few times. “Maybe she really should sit next to me Chris… ya know with your problem and all… hey didn’t we already do a restaurant scene?” “Yea, but the author has a serious lack of creativity.” HEY! “Can we not have interruptions this time?” Fine. “At least there’s no blue kangaroo this time.” There could be! “Hey he was my friend… no man, don’t bring him back…” “He he, yea man, he’s dead and should stay that way. Not too many folks survive fights with garage doors.” “How many people actually fight garage doors?” “You’d be surprised.” “He didn’t really fight it though Rich, he just kinda ran into it in a scene that really didn’t make much sense.” “Yea…” Jennifer walked up to the table. She put both hands on the table and stared into Chris’s eyes. Richie grinned at her. He patted the seat next to himself. Jen just rolled her eyes and sat down next to Chris, scooting in several times. Chris tried not to look at her, so she moved her head in front of his eyes and stared into them again, “So what you guys talking about baby?” “My invisible friend.” Her eyes narrowed. “Was really sad when he died.” She moved herself back against the seat. “Yea, ya see, Jack got into a fight with his garage,” said Richie. “The door Rich! The door. Anyway, it wasn’t a fight. He just got a little excited after finding drugged up fleas on his hide. You probably would to.” “Well that one would surprise me, I have to admit,” commented Richie. What is wrong with these two… maybe Chris was a poor choice for “the one” after all, thought Jennifer. “Hey! How come she’s the only one who gets to think?” She looked at Chris, “But shouldn’t she look at the guy who just spoke?” She lowered her eye brows and turned to Richie, scooting out a bit. “That’s more like it!” “Is something up with you guys today?” “Oh every day really,” replied Richie. “So you’re talking about your dead invisible friend, the pink kangaroo Shippo or something, right?” “Actually he was blue, and his name was Jack,” “But you got the kangaroo part right!” shot in Richie. “Go ahead, ask… you know you want to… ask!” “Ask what? Sheesh, what is up with you guys?” “Close!” said Richie, “C’mon, ask!” “This is the love of my life Richie, don’t.” “Not now…” said the girl, getting up. “Sheesh what is wrong with you…” Chris shot forward and slapped a knife into her chest, stabbing her several times. When he stopped, she fell limply to the ground. Chris stared in alarm at Richie. “Why did you do that?” he almost screamed. “Why do you think?” A large heavy set man walked up to the table. “What’s wrong with you, you just stabbed that girl to death!” A knife shot into his chest as well. He fell over dead. Chris looked down at him with a straight smile, “That.” A boy, about sixteen, walked up to Chris, “Hey yo, Chris, what’s wrong with you?” You guessed it, he was stabbed. “That didn’t even make sense!!!” shouted Chris. Another young man walked up to the group. “Hi” STAB! Chris hit him in the chest to. “What’d ya do that for?” “Call it a, “pre-emptive strike”” replied Chris. “Oh… okay,” the new teen fell dead to the floor. Chris looked over at Richie, “Look what you started!” “I know, ain’t it great!” “Dahaaaa!!!!” Chris ran off to the restroom. “When ya gotta go, ya gotta go,” commented Richie.
In the bathroom Chris look himself at himself in the mirror. “That’s it! I won’t do this anymore! What’s wrong with you!” he stabbed himself.
Chris woke up on a large puffy cloud, in a brightly lit area. He had a halo on his- “Hang on a sec!” What? “Ain’t no way man… I’m a mass murderer, it just ain’t happening.” You want to… “I figure it’s for the best.” Very well.
Chris woke up in a very dark place. “That’s better.” Flames shot up all around and a large red creature appeared in front of him. The creature had horns on its head and a small dragon like tail. It spoke, “Hey c’mon, do you have to be so cliché?” JUST GO WITH IT! “Fine. Good evening Chris. You are here to be tortured for the rest of eternity, enjoy your stay.” A hole began to form beneath him, “Here’s your complimentary bottomless pit, see ya.” Chris fell. He shot down the pit, arms out stretched, trying to catch anything. The large horned animal looked down the pit, “Hey Chris, just wondering, what’s wrong with you!” Chris screamed, but continued to fall. The devil began to laugh and laugh. He fell over, hitting a small button with his back. WHAM! Suddenly it appeared that Chris had hit bottom. “Ouch…” said Chris. “I thought it was bottomless.” It turned out the devil was rather cheap, and had opted for a pit with a moving bottom rather than an actual bottomless pit “Wait, wouldn’t a bottom actually cost extra?” No devil, the real thing always costs more. The bottom began to raise until finally Chris was level with the ground the devil was on again. He yanked out his knife. The devil looked at him befuddled. “Exactly how do you have that?” “I have no clue, but, I’m supposed to start stabbing you now.” “Oh, okay… wait…” Chris jumped on the devil and started stabbing him several times. A vortex opened over the two and the devil threw Chris off himself and into it. “Get out of here! I curse you forever, you can never return to hell…” Chris shot through the portal and the window disappeared. “Was actually technically a curse?”
Chris woke up in a hospital bed. He quickly got up. “What?”
Okay that’s all for now, bye
The End
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